Friendships.  God's way of helping us through this life.  Whether you're laughing so hard you've got tears running down your face or that ugly cry from a really bad day, friends are a blessing.  But, friends fight.  Life happens.  Hopefully, the fighting ends with a hug and a latte.  But, what about the friend who is always upset?  Do you feel like you have to make her feel better?  Or are you often confused about the problem?  What if the craziness and conflict really is the other person?  There are times in life we are responsible and times we are not.  Here are 5 times when its okay to realize “it’s not me, it’s you….”

1. She’s not solution-focused in conflict. Conflict happens in the best of relationships.  Whether you work together, grow up together or are just distant acquaintances - frustrations happen and feelings get hurt.  However, if you are being respectful and trying to compromise and she keeps hurling insults, then know that she has a need that is creating the problem- not you.  Take a step back and see if time helps settle things down.

2. She blames you for her emotions. Emotions come from how we interpret our surroundings.  We are in control and get to choose how we interpret our world.  If someone filters information through past hurts or their insecurities, she will create her own negative emotions.  While this isn’t a free pass to intentionally hurt someone, a healthy person will recognize her own role in handling her emotions.

3. She doesn’t take responsibility for her behaviors. Outside of actually threatening someone, you can’t make her do anything.  So if she is blaming you for how she behaved, especially if it was because she was upset/depressed/angry at something you did, know this is her issue, not yours.  She is in control of her behaviors at all times, not you.

4. She projects her feelings onto you. A projector takes an image and “projects” it on to another object, usually a wall or screen.   Projecting feelings means that she is taking her feelings, placing them on you and saying that this is how you really feel.  She might say that you are jealous or angry at her or that you are insecure.  If you are surprised by this or don’t think her accusations are true,  she might actually be revealing how she feels about you.  And this is her issue to deal with (but I definitely encourage talking it out once you recognize she may be projecting).

5. She creates anonymous “friends” who agree with her. This last one is actually a bullying tactic.  When she is trying to convince you of something, she may create “friends” who agree with her.  Statements like "everyone thinks..." or "they all agree with me."  Be cautious of someone who does this.  Healthy friends will stick to the subject instead of trying to gang up on you with invisible people.

Has this happened to you?  Comment below and tell us!

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About the Author


Kristen lives in Florida with her awesome husband and 3 energetic kids. She earned a graduate degree in Clinical Psychology from the University of Michigan and is a psychology professor at a local university. In her free time, she hangs out with family and friends, volunteers at her church and laughs as much as possible. She has a passion for Jesus, helping others and anything chocolate. Follow her on instagram @kristen_hodges_cg